Bob Baugher

Bob Baugher, Ph.D., is a recently retired Psychology Professor from Highline College in Des Moines, Washington where he taught courses in Psychology and Death Education. As a trainer for LivingWorks he has trained more than 1,500 people in suicide intervention. He has given more than 900 workshops on grief and loss. In addition, he is the professional advisor to the South King County Chapter of The Compassionate Friends and the local widows’ organization: Widowed Information & Consultation Services. He earned a certificate in Thanatology from the Association for Death Education and Counseling. Bob has written more than 100 articles and seven books on the bereavement process. Visit his website at: http://www.bobbaugher.com. Dr. Baugher appeared on the radio show “Healing the Grieving Heart” with Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi Horsley to discuss Coping with Anger and Guilt After a Loss.

Articles:

Lingering Guilt about my Father’s Death

Lingering Guilt about my Father’s Death On January 11, 2003, I sat on my father’s bed chatting with him at the Mercer Island Care Center. At age 80, he was attempting to recover from a bout of pneumonia. At around 9:30 pm, I kissed him good-bye, got up from the bed and said I’d see him tomorrow. I can still see him lying in the bed, waving to me, both of us feeling assured that we would indeed be together tomorrow. At 6:30 am the next day, I received a call from the nurse saying that he was having a […]

A Very Brief History of Crying

A Very Brief History of Crying In American pre-Victorian times (1700s-1800s), the expectation was that of moderation. That is, if you cried too much, it signified an excessive focus on the here and now and too little faith in the world beyond. In the Victorian age, people saw death as failure of medicine and loss of ties with family, which prompted many tears. Grief became expressive and often excessive. In the early 1900s, the emergence of World War I brought renewed restraint. Crying was considered a backward-looking emotion. Maintaining a “stiff upper lip” became the expectation in American society. Today, […]

Five Myths About Crying

Five Myths About Crying Myth #1: Crying is a sign of weakness. This is truly a cultural attitude, not a truth. Crying is an individual response to a physiological, emotional, or spiritual state of being and is neither a sign of weakness nor strength. Crying for some requires great strength and courage while for others, not crying requires the same things. For some, crying or not crying comes easily. Myth #2: Crying shows you care. Tears are often used as a measure of how much a person cares. Because people don’t cry, does this mean they don’t care? Some […]

An Introduction to Crying

An Introduction to Crying Crying is a mysterious and often misunderstood phenomenon. As an introduction to crying, it can be defined as a way to express grief, pain, anger, joy or other emotions by tears, voice or both. We humans secrete a host of fluids that no one wants to see. Tears are pretty much the only secretion that people around us will tolerate; and even then, their acceptance of our crying behavior depends upon many complex factors. You’ve heard people say, “Crying is normal.” Yet, every day people are chastised, criticized, ridiculed and put down for their display of […]

Self-Punishment During Grief

Self-Punishment During Grief A behavior that may accompany guilt is self-punishment. This often comes from the grieving person’s need to somehow “balance the scale” of life events. When we were children, we often received some form of punishment for our misbehavior. This may be one of the ways that children form their conscience. So, even as adults, when we find ourselves in a guilt-producing situation, we may feel a need to receive punishment. We might exhibit some of the following behaviors: Saying negative things to ourselves Replaying the perceived mistake(s) Depriving ourselves of something. However, some people feel the need […]

Measuring Your Guilt During Grief

Measuring Your Guilt During Grief After the death of a loved one, many of us feel guilt. Some amount of guilt is normal. But how much? Answer these questions in writing to better understand your own feelings of guilt. Frequency. Are feelings of guilt always present? If not, how many times per hour (or day) do I find myself experiencing guilt feelings? Intensity. When I experience guilt feelings, how intense is the reaction? Barely noticeable Mild Moderate Somewhat intense Very intense Severe/debilitating Duration. Once the guilt feelings arise, how long, on the average, do they tend to last? Disappear in a […]

How to Deal with Guilt while Grieving

How to Deal with Guilt while Grieving If you are feeling guilt after the death of a loved one, you might try to play a small trick on your mind. Imagine that your loved one is going to visit you for 20 seconds. You will get to ask one simple question: “What do you have to say to me about the guilt that I’ve been carrying since your death?” Now, please imagine your loved one standing in front of you answering this question. Listen. What words do you hear? Write Their Response Next, take out a pen and paper and […]

Guilt is Unique During Bereavement

Guilt is Unique During Bereavement During bereavement, we may feel guilty. Guilt is different from shame, embarrassment, regret or anger. Here’s how: Shame is the result of an event that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation. Death may bring feelings of shame mixed with guilt. For example, a woman whose husband is shot and killed by police during his commission of a burglary may feel ashamed of the way he died and guilty that she was not aware of his illegal activity. Shame is partly based upon our perception of what others think of us. Looking back on what she felt […]

Caring for Your Spirit after a Suicide

Caring for Your Spirit after a Suicide For many people, the suicide of a loved one raises agonizing spiritual or existential issues. These include many questions such as Why does suicide happen? I’ve tried to be a good person, so how could God let this happen to me? Is suicide a sin? Is my loved one in hell? What happens to a person after death? Will I ever see my loved one again? What good is my religion to me now? Who am I now? What is the purpose of my life? Why should I go on living? Suicide Challenges […]

Feeling Guilty after a Suicide

Feeling Guilty after a Suicide When something goes terribly wrong, human beings have a natural and powerful need to make sense of what has happened. This usually includes a need to affix blame for the bad thing that has happened. Most people, even if they are outwardly blaming someone else for the suicide, will also be privately asking themselves. “Is this my fault? Why didn’t I see this coming? Could I have done more to prevent it?” This self-blaming is very, very common after a suicide. Later on in this book, we will discuss some reasons why people tend to […]

Open to Hope is an online community offering inspirational stories of loss, hope and recovery. We believe hope is the bridge between loss and recovery.